Turn climate-neutral – for the price of a beer

You might have heard that the world is dying because a retarded girl said so.

Now, this is supposedly (say even some actual scientists) due to man-emitted CO2. Thus, the “solution” self-proclaimed “climate activists” suggest – we cut back on those emissions – isn’t gonna really solve the problem, you’d just be poor and starve or freeze to death in winter – with only the latter solving the problem of you emitting CO2 – as you breathe.

In case you are one of those egotistical maniacs like me and don’t fancy stopping breathing too much, you’ll need something to re-capture those evil CO2 emissions of yours to be climate-neutral.

Your average CO2 emissions in the west are around ten to 15 metric tons per year (I wonder why the English-language papers always say “metric” ton. Does that sound more science-y or scarier or something? Do you know more “tons”? Like, BRT, DWT or GMT?)

Still, 15 tons sounds like a lot, for sure; it’s quite a literal truckload.

How do we store that much carbon? See: This is where this great thing called nature comes in. Nature™ has developed a product that captures carbon out of thin air and turns it into climate-friendly trees™.

You might have heard of large areas of trees, called forests™, and the best thing: It’s open-source, no license fees, and everyone can make it’s own!

To have your own forest™, all you need is some place to put it. Forests™ aren’t a very sensitive product, but it won’t work in places like the arctic or the sea. Luckily, there are large areas of land where forests have been previously proven to grow very well, such as the Amazonian rainforest (sic!) or large areas of Australia, which currently lay barren and scorched by fire.

Even better: land in both countries is dirt-cheap: you can get agricultural land for as little as 2.70$ per acre – and that’s Australian dollars, so only $1.90 in real dollars (or $2.40; depending on where you live). A real bargain!

One acre of land will store at least 50 tons of carbon dioxide – that’s 3 years’ worth of your emissions.

So, for the price of a six-pack of beer, you’d be able to live carbon-neutral for almost two decades. Better yet: you don’t even need to do anything but buy the land: Nature™’s great product tree™ will grow into a forest™ without you moving a finger! Think of the benefits: You can take your SUV to go one block over to buy that delicious steak that came straight from Brazil and some lychees out of Thailand for desert – all carbon-neutral. Worried about that plane trip to the beach? No more! You have a forest™ now!

Worry not, environment, we’re gonna save you!


* Limited offer. Call now at 1800 900 090 or + 61 3 8318 6700 (from outside Australia, might cost a fortune)

One Reply to “Turn climate-neutral – for the price of a beer”

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.