The fate of Jihadis, according to the Quran

There’s this quite popular notion of those of Islamic belief that if they turn suicide bombers, they’ll go to some kind of heaven, and there will be rewarded with 72 virgins.

Now, for a religious text; this is very weird; religious texts usually don’t reward one for randomly killing people – or yourself. For example, let’s cite the Quran:

And do not kill yourselves [or one another]

So, where do the 72 virgins come from? In essence, a few come out of the Quran:

Lo! We have created them a (new) creation, And made them virgins, Lovers, friends, For the Companions of the Right Hand.

Of course, you need to read the Quran in it’s original Arabic as a true believer, and Arabic is a very flowery language. Because – this might just be a mistranslation and should read “for those of you not getting any pussy and spending your life masturbating [with your right hand as a ‘companion’], don’t worry, you’ll get a virgin in heaven”.

Well; that’s quite too modern an interpretation. I’ll skip the promises to the ‘companions of the right’ for redundancy reasons, but it’s quite clear on the left:

what are the companions of the left?
[They will be] in scorching fire and scalding water

… which is obviously a reference to Matthew 25:41 in the Bible, in case you didn’t notice. So – alright; the good (right) people will be rewarded, while the left (which, I guess, counts for the political left, too) will end up in eternal damnation.

That doesn’t really clear up the masturbation thing, though. Especially, as the “72” number is from a Hadith (that’s like an amendment) by Sunan Ibn Majah, called Zuhd, usually translated as the Book of Abstinence. And, honestly, that totally reads like the sexual fantasy of a guy who’s never been laid – Abstinence, for God’s Allah’s sake:

Abu Umama narrated: “The Messenger of God said,

Dear wannabe martyrs: Do you really trust in the words of a guy claiming what another guy said what yet another guy said? Plus, that’s what Allah (supposedly) said, whom you can hardly ask? Do you know the children’s game “Chinese whispers”? No? Well, that would explain a lot. But even if:

‘Everyone that God admits into paradise will be married to 72 wives; two of them are houris

A houri is, essentially, a celestial being, phonetically similar to “virgin”. We’ll get to them later.

and seventy of his inheritance of the [female] dwellers of hell.

So, 70 of the women you get are straight out of hell. That’s… a great thing to strive for, I guess.

Let’s do a more positive interpretation: You’ll get 2 heavenly nice girls, and 70 of the bad girls who fucked around with everyone but you. That’s actually quite a promising thing to strive for for anyone whose only “companion” in life is his right hand… but that’s mostly because they just don’t know any better, as the further Hadiths will elaborate:

All of them will have libidinous sex organs and he will have an ever-erect penis.

So, you’ll be stuck in heaven with a continual hard-on, which, in real life, is called priapism and is a quite serious medical condition. Add to that seventy underfucked women straight out of hell, who’ll be bitchy as fuck (hell?) all the time. But at least you get the two angelic beings?

60 cubits [27.5 meters] tall and 7 cubits [3.2 meters] in width

That’s not too much of a problem as you’ll also be 70 cubits tall, but the bodily proportions still would be weird:

… but it’s gonna be a tight fit for your dick, at least. There’s a reason women tend to have wide hips….

They’ll also have wide and beautiful/lovely eyes, white skin,

transparent to the marrow of their bones

Wait… you know who else has skin, transparent to their bones? Old people. What does the Quran say about their age?

Companions of equal age

That’s a trick: It doesn’t say “equal to yours“, and even if – women are most attractive around age 21. Heaven can’t be that unfair to people who lived a good, devout life until they were old, can it?

Now, this part is from the Quran itself, not from the whisper-Hadiths written by incels. It’s a religious book, and it’s socially a good thing if you take a partner your age. Essentially, this is like “You’ll get the partner you always should have had in heaven, if you don’t bring your own”. That’s a nice thing to have. As opposed, to, like, 70 bitches from hell.

with hymen unbroken by sexual intercourse

Now, this opens up the question why nobody banged them before?

Non-menstruating / non-urinating/ non-defecating and childfree

Yeah, just like old hags with stomach cancer. I’m starting to think that this is actually a punishment.

Appetizing vaginas

Do you, dear reader, slowly see why I think this was written by crazy incels? You spend your eternity eating pussy of two angelic beings. Who were already satisfied before that, so you don’t even get the thrill of making her cum. Great.


Summary: Religious texts, in general, are not “universally” bad. There’s stupid points in all of them, and this is variable with the times they were written in, but honestly: If you suicide-bomb innocent people – is there really anyone who wouldn’t think that eternity with 70 bitches out of hell (who’ll never be satisfied; that’s implied), while you’ll spend infinity eating pussy to no effect, with an eternal hard-on, is an adequately cruel punishment?

It also doesn’t mention beer, by the way.

So, if you’re thinking about blowing up innocent people, go ahead. You’ll obviously get what you deserve.

إن شاء الله

2 Replies to “The fate of Jihadis, according to the Quran”

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